Surviving The End of A Relationship

Losing a loved one is never easy. Even when the loss is your choice, it isn't easy. Whether a person experiences a break up of a relationship, a death of a loved one, or another powerful loss, there are predictable stages one goes through, predictable feelings one feels.

Swiss-born psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross described the five classic stages of the coping with grief and loss. According to Kubler-Ross, a person experiencing loss will go through all of the stages, in any order.

The five stages are:

• Denial
• Resentment
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance 

Loss and subsequent grieving is a powerful, transformative time. It is a time to take care of yourself, to let go of the past and to create a future. Unfortunately, many people get stuck in one of the stages of grief, unable to complete their process and move on.

If you are experiencing loss and grief right now, if you have recently ended or are in the process of ending a relationship, I would like to support you in moving through it in an empowering way. I've created the following list of suggestions for you to keep handy to help you cope:

Remember that you...

• will feel pain
• have survived this type of pain before and will this time as well
• will feel lonely
• are ok and lovable

Accept that...

• the relationship is over
• your ex partner has both good and bad qualities; do not idealize or discount him/her

Focus on...

• yourself
• personal growth
• self care

Get complete with...

• yourself
• your ex

Own...

• the magnificence of who you are
• your part in the relationship break-up

Give yourself time to...

• grieve
• be alone
• recover

Make sure that you...

• get touch, from friends or a body therapist
• have someone to come home to sometimes, like a relative or a friend

Reinvent...

• your community
• yourself
• your future
• your dreams

If you're experiencing the end of a short-term relationship, consider the following:
Realize that...

• the pain you feel is not about your ex partner, but about your past
• if you start healing the past, the pain will subside 
• holding on to anger at an ex partner will keep you attached and in pain

Get complete with...

• your ex partner
• all of your ex partners
• your parents

Give yourself...

• room to grieve
• room to grow

Build for yourself...

• a community
• self-esteem
• a life that you love

Whether you are ending a long-term or a short-term relationship:

• don't look for a new relationship until you are done grieving
• trust that when ready you will attract the right partner
• welcome the pain as an opportunity to evolve

It's through self-evolution that you will be able to create the relationship of your dreams.